For those who are sincere in their assertion that participation in chapel weddings is for the purpose of evangelism, conducting a time of orientation prior to the day of the wedding is essential. The greatest potential for meaningful witness is not in the ceremony itself but in the time spent with the couple prior to the wedding.
Orientation within three weeks of the wedding is desirable. Five days to two weeks ahead seems ideal. But one should not hesitate to adjust to the individual needs of the couple, even to meeting them two or more months ahead, if necessary.
It is almost impossible to have a meaningful time with the couple on the day of the wedding. The one exception to this might be if one could meet the couple early in the day, before they are scheduled for dressing and makeup. Furthermore, almost no effective communication can take place in the few minutes just before the ceremony begins. The reasons are as follows
l. There isn't enough time just before the ceremony to explain much of anything.
2. The couple is trying to remember the last minute instructions of the rehearsal, and they are too tense and excited to absorb anything of serious nature.
3. They might see the request for time to talk as an intrusion into their wish to relax a bit and gather their thoughts for the ceremony that is to begin shortly.
4. They need to be able to ponder over several days what they heard in the orientation time and to look forward to the day of their ceremony with the meaning of the Christian wedding in their minds. In particular, they need to have time to reflect on the vows that were explained to them and thus anticipate the beauty and solemnity of their special moment.
5. Many ministers are not proficient enough in the language to communicate effectively with the couple without an interpreter. However, the use of an interpreter cuts in half the time available for meaningful discussion.
The pages that follow give further thoughts on the matter of an orientation policy. They consist of excerpts from various letters on the subject ?? literally "cut and pasted!" Thus there is some overlapping and repetition. Since time is not available just now for proper editing, I have elected to leave them as they are.
Doyle C. Book Revised November l998
For Staff Understanding and Feeling of Ownership
A time of orientation prior to the day of the wedding is extremely desirable for helping the couple relax and enjoy their wedding ceremony. To provide such a time will help them feel that the staff care about them personally and are sincerely trying to make their wedding meaningful and beautiful.
As soon as a couple applies for a chapel wedding, they should be informed that there will be a time of orientation and that they will be asked to choose one of the open dates which will be provided as the time for the wedding draws closer. // The term "counseling" should never be used. In addition to "orientation, "uchiawase" is also acceptable. // It is seldom necessary to explain why the orientation time is necessary. It is usually enough merely to say:
"There will be a time of orientation for you prior to the wedding day. Please choose one of the open dates, preferably within three weeks of your ceremony. If these dates are not convenient, what days would be good for you? We will arrange a time to suit you."
However, if it seems that some reason, or explanation, is needed for the orientation time, it can be explained something like this.
l. The time of orientation is part of your preparation for your wedding, like choosing the dress, bouquet, or deciding on the number of guests.
2. It is designed to give you information about the ceremony so you will know what to expect and can feel relaxed.
3. The minister would like to get acquainted with you so you can feel that the person doing your ceremony is not a stranger but a friend and so he can understand your feelings and put his heart into your ceremony.
4. The orientation time will help you understand the meaning and beauty of the church wedding. In particular, the meaning of the famous "vows" will be explained.
5. There will be a rehearsal so you can feel totally at ease about what will happen and what you need to do during the ceremony.
6. As time allows, the minister will share some practical advice on the marriage relationship and how to achieve a truly happy marriage.
7. Through the orientation time, we want you to know that we do not think of your wedding as merely a "ceremony" (gishiki) or an "event." We want you to understand that we will put our hearts into making it a meaningful and beautiful time for you.
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Several dates/times for the orientation meeting should be provided for the couple to choose from. Ideally, the meeting should take place from one to two weeks prior to the ceremony. According to the circumstances of the couple the meeting might be earlier than two weeks or within a few days of the ceremony.
The day of the ceremony should not be considered an option. As a matter of fact, the circumstances of the couple are almost never so difficult that it is necessary to use this day.
It is helpful to arrange for several couples to meet at one time. Of course, when it is necessary, it is all right to arrange a time for one couple only.
It is the responsibility of your front staff to make the contacts with the couples and arrange the meeting times.
Your company will need to provide certain materials for the minister to use for the orientation. Among these are: Bibles for the minister to sign and give the couples; a camera to take pictures of each couple (a Polaroid or digital camera is ideal); booklets from a manuscript the minister will provide for printing, or else copies of the content of the booklet; a small cassette tape player; copies of miscellaneous materials to be used in the meeting; etc. We can talk more about these items at a later time.
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The issue is not that we cannot make adjustments for the special circumstances of some people. It is rather the premise, or presupposition, from which we approach the matter of orientation.
If we assume that the request to choose one of the times offered is going to be too difficult for a large number of people, or that they will not even be able to offer an alternative to the times we suggest, or that we really have no right to expect every couple to attend orientation, then we will indeed have difficulty in arranging an orientation time.
But if we approach orientation from the premise that most people can indeed come at one of the times offered or at an alternate time that they suggest, and if we state simply at the time the couple make application that "there will be a time of orientation on a day prior to the wedding" and that "this will help you understand the ceremony and relax," we will find that there is almost never a problem in working it out.
The proof of this is my own experience through hundreds of weddings and the experience of five of my acquaintances who have already done, perhaps, several thousand weddings.
The "impossibles" Mr. cites are because of the wrong premise?the assumption that we cannot expect all couples to be able to arrange a time prior to the day of their wedding. But if the presupposition that every couple, with extremely rare exception, can find an open time for orientation is a part of our policy, we find that there is seldom any problem at all.
While it might seem ideal for a couple to have orientation from five to ten days prior to their wedding, there is nothing wrong in doing it much earlier, even weeks ahead, when they come for consultation on other details like the dress, bouquet and photos. Or it can take place on the day just before the wedding for those couples who live far away and cannot arrive before that day.
In my experience, through hundreds of weddings, only once has it been necessary to meet the couple on the day of the wedding. My friends indicate similar experiences.
When the orientation is done far ahead, some details about how to move during the ceremony will be forgotten by the time of the wedding. But it is unlikely that the meaning of the Christian wedding and the beauty of the vows that were explained in a relaxed, unhurried setting will be forgotten. And the details of the ceremony can be reviewed just before the wedding begins.
Mr. often says he wants the couple to understand the meaning and sense the beauty of the church wedding and to feel drawn toward considering Christianity and attending church. But such an impression cannot be achieved unless (1) there is enough time for the orientation and (2) it can be carried out in a relaxed atmosphere prior to the day of the wedding. Nor can it be achieved by asking them to read some printed pages just before their ceremony begins.
It is extremely regrettable that words like kyoosei and jooken became the focus of our conversation. Such words should not be the issue at all. I myself was caught off guard by the use of kyoosei and should not have accepted its use at that point.
Our problem is that if we approach the matter of orientation assuming that there will be many problems, or that it is to be left up to the couple to decide whether or not they will participate, then there will be problems. But if we accept the premise (zentei) that (1) this is a reasonable request and (2) it will be of great benefit to the couple, then we will find that there is almost never any problem.
Please remember that the orientation time is to help the couple (1) understand the meaning of the wedding they have chosen and (2) be prepared for their ceremony so they can relax and enjoy it.
Remember also that if the couples are pleased because they were well prepared ahead of time, they will recommend your chapel to more of their friends. Thus a time of orientation is good business policy also!
After I left your office, I realized that the position of the ministers can be expressed well in just a few words:
We cannot conscientiously ask a couple to say "chikaimasu" ("I swear") if they don't understand what they are promising.
We cannot ask them to sign the pledge (seiyakusho) if they have never even seen it or if it has not been explained to them.
And this understanding cannot happen in a few minutes on the day of their wedding just before the ceremony.
To us as true ministers, their wedding is not an "event" or a "show" (yokyoo). It is a very serious and meaningful time, and we want to make it beautiful. Even though a couple comes to your office thinking "kakko ii," this is not where we are coming from. We are there to give them the Real Thing, even though they themselves might not realize that is what they want. But the fact is they do want it when it can be explained to them!
But they cannot understand this adequately just before their ceremony takes place?they are just too excited and cannot absorb what is being explained. Furthermore, they need some time to think about what was said so they can appreciate the seriousness, and the beauty, of what they are promising.
Thus we as staff need to approach the matter of orientation from the correct premise (zentei) ?that it is indeed both a reasonable and a workable request, and that it will benefit the couple greatly. Therefore it is our policy that all couples be included in an orientation time.